


Recovering

by evansrogerskitten



Category: Dean Winchester - Fandom, Supernatural
Genre: A Happy Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Assault, F/M, Fluff, Masturbation, NSFW, PTSD, Sexual Dysfunction, Smut, cursing, know your triggers and take care of you, no one is assaulted in the fic but they talk about it, sexual assault doesn't happen explicitly in the story but it is discussed, show like violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 01:05:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evansrogerskitten/pseuds/evansrogerskitten
Summary: Traumatic memories are triggered during a rough hunt. Dean helps his girl cope as the fear causes anxiety and sexual dysfunction.





	Recovering

**Author's Note:**

> This goes back and forth between the reader’s and Dean’s points of view of the same scenes. 
> 
> Written for Genre Bingo, Square Filled: Free Square and for BTZ Bingo, Square Filled: It’s Not You, It’s Me 
> 
> I’ve been working on this for over a year. It was tough but I needed to write this. And I figure since most of you don’t know me irl, it was ok to get raw here, anonymity and all. I was sexually assaulted years ago and didn’t start to process it until the recent public triggers in the media. I’ve needed a Dean to help me get through facing it. So I wrote him. Maybe this will help someone else.

**HER**  
**7:00 P.M.**

I knew I shouldn’t go to the paper factory alone, but Sam and Dean weren’t answering their phones and I was afraid we’d miss our chance. So I decided to just go for it, holding my blade steady as I entered the double doors.

I didn’t hear either of the vampires until they were on me. The whir of the processing machinery drowned out their nearly silent steps and then I didn’t have a chance. I was an idiot to go in alone; that’s the first thing I thought as they dragged me across the floor. My knife skidded across the dirty cement floor with a heavy clang. No matter my kicking and screaming, lashing and fighting, they overpowered me.

“You want firsts?” one formerly human male growled to the other.

“Hell yes,” the winner nodded, “she probably tastes so sweet but feels even better.”

Oh no. _Oh no, oh no, oh no._ I continued to fight, but when he held down my wrists and climbed on top of me, something dark and lost clicked in my brain. I squinted my eyes closed and held my breath. _Don’t suffer this again. If you think about that now, then it’s all true._

My mind went elsewhere, a gray space of a memory long lost, and I could barely hear the yelling as bodies whipped around in the background. A strong hand wrenched the monster off of me, throwing him to the ground. I looked past Sam’s shoulder as he sat me up, watching as Dean slammed the vamp against the concrete, beat the monster bloody, and then sliced its head clean off. He was fuming with anger, panting and furious as he stomped the dead monster’s face with his boot until all was left was vamp brains and a crushed skull.

“Dean!” Sam yelled, pulling his brother out of the murderous trance. “Help!”

Dean’s fury melted away as he rushed over, wrapping his arms around me. “Sweetheart, oh god baby, can you hear me? Did they bite you? Are you okay?”

My head wobbled as I tried to shake no. “No, they didn’t bite me. I think…” I shook in Dean’s arms as the gray space flirted with my vision. “I think he was going to, during…”

Sam and Dean made eye contact and Sam shook his head at his brother. “We killed him, Dean. He’s dead.”

I closed my eyes and tucked my head into Dean’s neck as he carried me to the Impala, taking in deep breaths of the scent of his sharp detergent and musky sweat. He was my safe place, my best friend, my love. But I couldn’t stop shaking no matter how tight he held me.

Sam opened the back door to the car so Dean could set me on the backseat. He crouched down in front of me, his large calloused hands wrapping around my cold trembling ones.

“You wanna find a hotel? Let you rest and we’ll drive home in the morning.” Dean asked gently, his voice soft in comparison to the brutal hoarse edge earlier. As he brushed a piece of hair back from my face I flinched and pulled away.

“No.” I shook my head as I lay back, my arms tightening around my chest as I closed my eyes. “I just wanna go home.”

The whole drive all I could think was it was my fault. Twelve years ago and tonight. My fault. I was such an idiot. The gray space took me away as the trauma I’d hidden from myself and Dean began to erupt to the surface.

**DEAN**  
**7:00 P.M.**

“She’s not answering her phone,” Sam repeated as we drove up to the paper plant. “I only have one bar now.” He squinted as he held up his phone.

“She’s probably still at the hotel,” I growled, throwing Baby into park. “Let’s just handle this and then go home.”

We were just past the car when I heard her scream. Sam wasn’t too far behind me as we bolted the half mile up to the building. I yelled out for her as we pushed our way in the double doors, the loud machinery drowning out my calls of her name.

When we came around the corner the first thing I saw were her boots and legs under the leering form of a huge vamp. His hands were restraining her wrists as he sneered down at her. White hot rage flowed through me as I heard her yelling for help, her knees trying to push him away as she cried. Fuck. She rarely cried.

I grabbed the vamp’s shoulder and threw him backwards. All I could see was death- that which I must bring to the monster immediately. I beat the shit out of him, making sure his face was bloody and he was moaning in pain before I sliced my machete right through his spine. Her scream was still playing in my head as I punched the vamp’s rolled head with my boot until it caved.

Sam yelled. “Dean! Help!’

I was there within seconds, pulling her into my arms. She was bruised and beaten, but there was a vacancy in her eyes I’d never seen. “Sweetheart, oh god baby, can you hear me? Did they bite you? Are you okay?”

Her head rolled unnaturally and I thought for a second that maybe her neck was broken. “No, they didn’t bite me. I think...I think he was going to during...”

Sam shook his head as his eyes met mine. These fucking vamps had almost killed my girl. “We killed him, Dean. He’s dead.”

I took a deep breath and rearranged the pieces of her shirt that the monster had torn apart. As I lifted her she tucked her face into my neck, her body shaking as she struggled to take shallow breaths. I held her as tight as I could until we got to the Impala.

I placed her gently on the backseat, afraid to hurt her as I took her shaking hands between mine. So cold and weak, so unlike the warrior I fell in love with. Seeing her turn in on herself terrified me. “You wanna find a hotel, we can let you rest and drive home in the morning?”

“No.” She curled into herself on the backseat, her voice tired. “Just wanna go home.”

Every mile the whole way home I looked over my shoulder, making sure she was still there, that she was breathing. She stopped shaking once she passed out. Sam and I didn’t speak about it, but I knew the more worried I became, the more he did as well. Something terrible had happened, and she was terrified.

**HER**  
**11:45 PM**

I’d fallen asleep in the safety of Baby’s backseat and dreamt of gray space and dark eyes for about three hours. I felt better now that we were home, hidden and safe in the bunker. I was braiding my damp hair after my shower, my legs tucked under the blanket on our bed when Dean walked in, his own hair damp and tousled.

“How are ya?” he asked as he sat down on the edge of the bed beside me.

I shrugged my shoulders. _Tell him. Tell him what happened, he’ll understand, he loves you._ “I’m just tired.”

He nodded. “Yeah, me too. Let’s go to bed.”

I nestled into his arms as he settled behind me, his chest strong and rising steadily against my back as our breathing evened out. I tried to sleep, but I was rested after the drive. I didn’t want to bother Dean though so I cuddled closer to him and listened to the soft sounds of his breaths against my neck.

“What’s up?” he muttered in the dark.

I smiled. “Can’t sleep. It’s okay though. I like feeling safe here.”

Dean nodded, tightening his arms around me. I wiggled my ass against his groin, not attempting to start anything sexual, but to be closer to him. I couldn’t help but giggle when he groaned into the base of my neck.

“You do feel better.” He chuckled.

I nodded, sighing at the press of his lips along my shoulder. “I just love being with you.”

I knew he was smiling even though I couldn’t see his face. “I love being with you too. Very much, sweetheart.”

I moved my hips back against his, our motions starting a slow give and take between us. Dean’s hand moved to my hip to pull down my pajama pants. I kicked them off under the covers, moving my hand back to attempt to help him push down his boxers. I just needed to feel him, to be reminded that it was safe here. I could let Dean take care of me. He was my safe place. Nothing bad would happen to me now.

Dean’s hand spread down my stomach, and I hummed at the heat of his touch. He ran his fingers through my folds, smearing the wetness that had built as we grinded together. I moaned as he pressed two fingers on my clit.

“Please, Dean,” I requested, pushing my ass towards him again, “need you.”

He hummed in agreement as his hand moved away and his hard cock pushed inside, both of us groaning as he filled me.

“Fuck, you feel amazing,” he groaned. “Always so soft, so fuckin’ good, holy shit baby.”

“Uh huh.” I nodded as he slid in and out slowly. “There babe, oh my god.”

Dean’s cock was at the perfect angle as he slid right across my sweet spot. My hands clenched over his and I pulled his arms tight around me, my pleasure aided by his kisses and nibbles to my neck and shoulder.

The pressure in my core built, that hum of electric nerves building up in waves. Dean moved a hand down my stomach again, circling my clit and I groaned, gyrating back against him as his thrusts quickened.

“Oh god. Baby,” Dean groaned in my ear. I felt him growing harder, his thighs spasming as he reached the edge too.

“Yes,” I moaned. I reached the precipice of my orgasm and then suddenly my mind sabotaged my body. _Stop. I shouldn’t come. It’s not okay. Think of something bad, something gross, anyone unsexy so you don’t. Don’t. Come. Don’t!_ I whimpered in distress and Dean slowed, his arms pulling me tight against him as I began to tremble.

“You okay?”

“No.” I muttered, the horrible thoughts cycling louder and louder in my head. _It’s not okay for you to come. It’s okay for him. It’s not okay for you. You don’t deserve it. Stop it. Stop it. STOP._

I felt Dean’s arms droop as I slid away from him.

“Sweetheart, talk to me. What’s going on?” he asked, his voice panicked as he tried to turn me onto my back.

“I just feel sick all of a sudden,” I lied. “I’m gonna...I’ll be right back.” I grabbed my pajama pants and pulled them up as I rushed out of our room, leaving a worried Dean behind me.

**DEAN**  
**11:45 PM**

I finished toweling off and pulled on a clean pair of boxers, relieved to be clean and back home. She was in bed braiding her hair, looking as beautiful as ever. I liked it when she’d put makeup on and do her hair all curly when we’d go out for a rare fancy date. But she was never more beautiful than when she had a clean face with damp hair in that cute side braid.

“How are ya?” I asked tentatively as I sat down next to her.

She shrugged. “I’m just tired.”

She seemed better. I nodded and pulled back the blanket. “Yeah, me too. Let’s go to bed.”

It was always so natural how she curled into my arms and I pulled her close, hoping that she’d find comfort in us holding each other. It’d been a long day. We could talk about the vamp later. She’d be ready soon enough to forget this hunt.

“What’s up baby?” I asked as she shifted for the third time.

“Can’t sleep,” she replied softly. “It’s okay though. I like feeling safe here.”

I nodded, tightening my arms around her. I couldn’t help but groan though when she wiggled her perfect plump ass against me. My cock throbbed awake with interest as she pressed back against me again. Oh hell yes. That ass could wake me anytime.

“You do feel better.” I knew she liked the kisses to her neck by the gaspy little whimpers she made. Definitely feeling better.

“I just love being with you,” she whispered into the dark. I knew she was smiling even though I couldn’t see her face.

I nodded, kissing her shoulder again. “I love being with you too. Very much, sweetheart.” Nowhere else I’d rather be.

With her next wiggle of her hips I moved towards her, our bodies linked as we moved back and forth on the mattress. Not really grinding, more like antagonizing, but in like a really good hot way. But I was impatient after a few minutes. I needed to feel close to her, to really feel her there with me, to be inside her. Just take care of her in the best way I knew how.

My hands moved between us and I pushed down her pajamas, before kicking off my boxers. She was already wet when I touched her, and she moaned as I gave her clit the attention she always wanted to get her off.

“Please, Dean.” She pushed her perfect ass towards me again. “Need you.”

No argument here. I closed my eyes as I slid inside her warmth, feeling her tighten around my cock with a matching moan.

“Fuck, you feel amazing.” My voice was hoarse. I wasn’t going to be able to last for very long with her squeezing around me like that. “Always so soft, so fuckin’ good, holy shit baby.” Fuck, like velvet.

“Uh huh.” She moaned as I found her sweet spot. “There babe, oh my god.”

She pulled my arms tighter around her, and I kissed her neck, the sweet familiar scent of her shampoo somehow making me harder. I felt her pussy clenching around me tighter and tighter, and I knew she was getting there. I moved my fingers to her clit again and fuck, when she pushed back against my thrusts I knew she was as close as I was.

“Oh god baby,” I groaned. Fuck. Yes.

“Yes,” she moaned, sounding so perfect. I continued to thrust into her, expecting her to come with me. But suddenly she froze and cried out softly, but not in the hot sexy good way. She started to shake like she had earlier, after the vamp fight, so I pulled her tight against me, my cock still throbbing inside her.

“You okay?” I panicked. Her whole body was trembling now, like it had been earlier, and I knew something was really wrong.

“No,” she muttered as she pulled away from me, her back to me as she took deep breaths.

“Sweetheart, talk to me. What’s going on?” I ignored my dick, willing it to just calm itself for a god damn second while I figured out what the hell just happened.

“I just feel sick all of a sudden. I’m gonna...I’ll be right back.” She stumbled into her pajama pants and was out the door before I could stop her.

What the hell. Did I fuck her too hard? Did I hurt her? Did she not like me touching her some way? Sex wasn’t new to us. In fact, this spooning in the dark sex was very vanilla for us. But I must’ve hurt her because she didn’t seem sick.

I bunched our pillows up and sat back, closing my eyes momentarily as I waited for her. Shit. Maybe she has a fever. She slept a lot in the car.

“You okay?” I asked when she came back in fifteen minutes later. Little freaked out, nervous butterflies tumbled around my stomach as she shut the door and climbed back into bed, this time laying down at the far edge. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. Everything is fine, I just don’t feel good. Just want to go to sleep,” she explained. That was bullshit. But the broken crack in her voice- it made me so sad.

She stilled, almost frozen in place again and I wanted to reach out but I was afraid I’d make it worse.

“Okay.” I turned out the light hesitantly. “I love you.”

“Me too,” she whispered. I set my hand on the mattress between us, keeping it there should she decide to turn over in the night and want me again.

**HER**  
**Wednesday**

The next few days I hung around Sam as much as possible, knowing Dean wouldn’t bring up my strange behavior in front of his brother.

After three hours of research in the library on the third day I got up to make lunch, leaving the boys behind with their laptops. I should’ve known he’d follow me. I was making sandwiches at the kitchen counter, my back to the door when he walked in. I stiffened when his arms wrapped around my waist.

“Whatcha making?” he asked sweetly until he felt my resistance to his flirting. He pulled his arms away, moving next to me as I avoided eye contact with him.

“BLTAs,” I responded as I smiled politely at the sliced avocados on the counter. This wasn’t Dean’s fault, I knew that. I just didn’t want to talk about it.

“Sweetheart, did I do something wrong? The other night...are we okay?”

My heart broke when I looked up and saw the worry on his face. Shit. I was really hurting him. But I didn’t know...I didn’t want to, no I didn’t know how to say what was wrong. If I said it out loud, especially to the person I loved the most in the world, that made it all true.

“I just...It’s not you at all, Dean.” I reached out and squeezed his hand, earning a small smile. “It’s me. I just...I’m not well.”

“Ummm, okay,” he responded, entwining his fingers with mine. After a minute he cleared his voice. “Baby, are you...are you pregnant?”

“What? No!” I exclaimed as I looked up at him, surprised that’s what he thought was wrong. Couldn’t blame the guy I guess. “No. I’m not. I would never keep that from you.”

“Then what’s going on?” Dean stepped forward and set his hands on my hips. I avoided eye contact, turning back to focusing on lunch and searching for any excuse out of this conversation.

“It’s lunchtime, come on.” I pulled away and grabbed two plates. “Can you carry that one please?”

I didn’t turn back as I left the kitchen, afraid to see his heart break. Now I was causing Dean pain because my stupid mind wouldn’t get off it’s one track broken bullshit. I had caused all of this and now it was too late to fix.

**DEAN**  
**Wednesday**

It was like she was avoiding me. Fuck, she was avoiding me. By the time I’d come in for bed she’d already be asleep. We were with Sam all the time so I couldn’t bring it up, although I was tempted to since he certainly realized something was wrong. And his whispered insistence to talk to her didn’t help. I’d fucked up somehow and failed her and I didn’t know why.

Finally I got a chance when she went to go make lunch while Sam and I were reading in the library. I’d thought of every possible reason she was avoiding me, including she was having our baby and didn’t want it. I needed to know what the fuck was going on.

She had her back to me when I walked into the kitchen. Usually when I wrapped my arms around her she’d lean into me, maybe tilt her head back for a kiss. But this time she froze.

“Whatcha making?” I asked, faking a cheery attitude to see if she’d warm up to me. Nope. When she didn’t relax I pulled back, standing next to her to see if she’d meet my eyes.

“BLTAs,” she responded, her focus on the sandwiches rather than me. I hated this.

“Sweetheart, did I do something wrong? The other night...are we okay?”

Finally she looked up at me, reaching out and squeezing my hand. “I just...It’s not you at all, Dean. It’s me. I just...I’m not well.”

It’s not you, it’s me. Really?

“Ummm, okay,” I responded. What the fuck. I took her hand and swallowed back my nervousness. Time to ask. “Baby, are you...are you pregnant?”

“What? No!” She seemed genuinely surprised, her eyes wide. “No. I’m not. I would never keep that from you.”

I blew out a sigh of relief. “Then what’s going on?” I set my hands on her hips but she avoided eye contact again, the damn sandwiches apparently more important.

“It’s lunchtime, come on.” She twisted away. “Can you carry that plate please?”

I watched her hurry out of the kitchen to deliver lunch to Sam. I looked down at the sad single sandwich on the plate and picked off a piece of bacon. Maybe she just didn’t want me anymore.

  
**HER**  
**Wednesday night**

The boys were watching a movie so I went to take a long shower. Maybe I just needed to clear my head. Forget all this shit and get back to normal. Shake it off. I’d forgotten it for all this time, I could do that again.

The hot water felt amazing and I stayed under the pressure until my skin began to soften. I used my special body wash, usually the kind I only saved for date nights since it was eight bucks a bottle, scrubbing myself clean until my arms and torso were flushed. Finding excuses to stay in the comfort of the water, I did a breast check, shaved the usual areas, and then a self massage of my lower back. Eventually my fingers traveled south and I thought maybe I needed that tension release. Maybe I was just putting too much pressure on myself.

My hand moved across my now neatly trimmed mound, my fingers sliding between my folds. My fingers found the familiar path I knew so well, perfected after my single years alone. I sighed softly as the water streamed down my back and my fingers circled my clit with increasing pressure. My running out of the room the other night had surely left Dean with blue balls, but I also needed the release as well.

“Fuck,” I whispered as I slumped against the tile wall, my shoulder resting on the cool surface as my fingers moved faster. I was nearing that glorious edge again and it felt so good to be relaxed, to feel, to just let go.

_Stop. Don’t._ My heartbeat quickened in my chest and my hand paused. _I shouldn’t. Just think of bad stuff, think of unsexy things, ummm gutted monsters and dead birds and rotting garbage and just stop. Stop._ I groaned and thunked my forehead on the wall as my arms moved to my sides. I shouldn’t be denying myself this. I knew that. But I was. My orgasm was gone because I’d shamed myself again. I’d made a mistake twelve years ago and had again the other day.

I believed I shouldn’t allow myself pleasure anymore because I’d fucked up.

I quickly got out of the shower and dried off, frustrated now as I pulled on my pajama pants and one of Dean’s black t-shirts. At the scent of detergent and lingering cologne, all I wanted was to be in his arms.

He was peering down at a magazine when I got to our room. His eyes lit up and he smiled, handsome and sweet curled up in our bed.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I replied as I tossed my dirty clothes into the hamper and then pulled on some fuzzy socks that I plucked from the wooden dresser.

He tossed the magazine on the nightstand as I sat down next to him. “You okay?”

I nodded, taking his hand that he held out between us. “I just want to hug you.”

He grinned, stretching his legs onto the bed before opening his arms. “C’mere.”

I sighed as I settled on his lap, wrapping my arms around him and closing my eyes, feeling a little bit of peace as he pressed a kiss to my temple. We lay there together for awhile, no pressure for sex or conversation as he waited for me to finally tell him what was going on.

“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered, a giant lump of unspilled emotion clogging my throat.

He tightened his arms, rocking me slightly. “You only have to tell me what you want, when you want.”

I nodded. Fuck, how do I tell him something like this. The embarrassment was rich and my face started to warm with shame.

“This have anything to do with the hunt going wrong?” he asked gently, his hands rubbing up and down my back slowly.

I nodded, turning slightly so I could rest my forehead on his chest and hide my face as I spoke into his t-shirt. “I...the vamp, he was going to...I think he was going to try to...to have sex with me. To force me,” I muttered. “And I...it made me remember something I didn’t before.”

Dean was silent and I looked up, expecting to see disgust and pity. But he was looking down at me with such sadness and worry I thought he might cry.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t get there sooner.” He sounded so sad that the tears I’d been holding in spilled over and began to run down my cheeks.

“I didn’t...I don’t know what to say to you. How to explain,” I whispered, cringing at the pain and embarrassment I felt. The sickening shame. How could he ever want me again after this. And now, I was about to make his disgust even worse.

Dean nodded. “Okay. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I’m here though, sweetheart. I’m not leaving you.”

I gulped around the grief in my throat, the words rushing out of me before I could process what I was saying. “It was twelve years ago. Some guy. We’d been drinking all night and I was flirting with him, provoking him really, and I invited him to my house, to my bed. But then I said no, I really did. Over and over. Until eventually I said yes cuz he kept trying and I just….I just wanted it to be over.”

Dean held me tighter, letting me continue. I could feel the tension in his chest but knew he was trying to keep his emotions at bay so I could continue. “When the vamp attacked me like that, it...it reminded me of not being able to get away before. Like I just shut my mind down, cuz even though I was saying no- I’d gone to that building alone. It was like going to that bar and inviting the guy over. And…” I shook my head, a sob choking my throat as the admission made the reality of it all too real.

Dean’s hands moved across my back, a simple pattern of his warm touch consoling me without words.

Tears were falling off my chin and soaking his shirt as I started to sob. “And the vamp on top of me like that, it made me realize the thing twelve years ago- that was assault. That was...rape. God I hate calling it that! I don’t want that word to have...weight. Not in my life. It couldn’t have happened to me. I’d always just told myself since I’d been in that situation, I’d played a part in it, and since I’d said yes eventually- it was my fault. It was my responsibility.”

Dean shook his head, his hand moving to my chin and tilting my head up so I’d look at him. His face was solemn and voice firm, and I sniffled as he told me what I needed to accept.

“None of that- any of that- was your fault. You did nothing wrong, either time.”

I shook my head, pulling my eyes away but he held me tight. “Sweetheart, listen to me. You are not to blame at all. There is never a time, ever, for anyone to touch you unless you’re okay with it.”

“But I said yes eventually,” I whimpered, trying to brush the flood of tears away from my cheeks and chin.

“But you said no before that,” Dean continued. “Would it be okay for a victim of a ghost or a ghoul or a witch to say no to being killed and then yes, and us not save them?”

I smiled through my tears, chuckling a little. “That’s a terrible analogy.”

“Shit, sorry. I’m not trying to be light about it. I just, baby, I hate that you had to carry this around for so long. I’ll kill the piece of shit like I did the vamp if you want,” he offered.

“No, not necessary.” I shook my head. That guy, he wasn’t worth it. “This is all, well this is why I couldn’t have sex the other night.”

“Did you think I was going to hurt you?” Dean asked horrified. “Cuz I hope you’d never think I’d ever force you. I’m so sorry if it felt like you had to.”

“No, no.” I shook my head, kicking myself for making him think that. He was the only man I ever wanted to be with for the rest of my life. “When we were having sex, I had this terrible feeling like I shouldn’t...I shouldn’t have an orgasm. Like now that I’ve acknowledged what happened, it’s wrong for me to. Cuz I caused that back then. That was my fault too so I should...stop.”

Dean didn’t respond for a moment before asking softly. “So since the vamp triggered your memory, your memory is telling you that you are to blame for what happened then, so you think you shouldn’t enjoy orgasms because of that blame?”

“Well yeah, in a nutshell.” I set my hand on his thigh and pushed myself into sitting position beside him. I looked into his beautiful eyes, the irises a deep olive in the dim room. “I’ve never had trouble before, especially with you. And then it was like realizing it, thinking I was responsible, it made orgasms...wrong.”

“Oh sweetheart.” Dean took my hands. The way he looked at me made me want to cry again. He loved me so much, how could I ever deserve a man as good as Dean. “How could something so awesome be bad? I mean, when we’re together it’s so freakin’ amazing. Orgasms aren’t bad, they aren’t sinful, they aren’t something to avoid. I mean, you’re just so amazing when I feel that way with you. I’d never not want that.”

“Thanks.” I smiled. “It was always amazing for me.” I corrected myself as Dean’s face fell. “I mean, it is. It still is. I really want to, it’s like something takes over my brain and it tells me all these horrible distractions and I lose it.”

“So you stop yourself from having an orgasm?”

“Well yeah.” I nodded, feeling so defeated. “I even tried in the shower earlier but it happened again. It’s not you at all, Dean. It’s me. I’m fucked up.”

His lips turned up into a little smile. “You are not fucked up. You’re processing this shit thing that happened. I just wish you knew how much I love you.”

“You do?” I smiled, wanting to believe him.

“So much.” He nodded. “You’re smart and funny, you’re such a badass but the sweetest girl. You take good care of me, sex or otherwise.” I had to giggle at that. “You’re absolutely fuckin’ gorgeous. And you’re just so good. Like you are a good person. You deserve good things, good feelings, good moments. All that stuff.”

“Really?” I asked, scooting even closer to him.

“Really. Some asshole never has the right to take this from you now.”

I nodded, smiling as I crawled back into his lap. “You’re so good to me.”

“We can google it if you want.” He grinned as he tried to think of scientific benefits, his hands settling on my waist and squeezing lightly. “Orgasms are good for tension, for headaches. You can sleep better and it can put you in a better mood.”

“You can feel closer to your boyfriend, and appreciate how wonderful he is.” I nodded before kissing his cheeks.

“That’s a very good benefit,” Dean agreed before his lips brushed against mine softly. “It can remind you just how much you love your girlfriend and how you’d do anything to keep her safe.”

“And that you want your boyfriend to know you admire him and want to take care of him.” I hummed added before a pressing slightly longer kiss to his lips.

“And find new ways to learn about your girlfriend’s body and soul, making sure you know her as well as you can.” Dean nibbled at my lower lip.

“And love him.” I looked into his eyes, seeing the depths there that were only mine to fall into. “Love him so much for being what you needed.”

Dean smiled before turning us and sliding me underneath him. “And love her. Because she’s amazing and beautiful and so much more than what happens to her, now and then.”

I didn’t break the kiss again. My lips and my body, the feelings I showed him through my fingers and touch, my muscles moving against his, my body coming to orgasm with his. It was wonderful. Dean reminded me that it was right to feel that way, to enjoy such bliss, to allow myself that euphoria. It wasn’t wrong. It was amazing.

**DEAN**  
**Wednesday night**

I glanced up from the article about classic Chevys that I was reading, folding down the corner of the page with the sweet muffler that I was gonna have to get for the car. She was wearing polka dot pajama pants and one of my t-shirts. Her hair was in that sweet braid again. I wish I could explain to her just how much I loved her, how she is just so perfect to me.

“Hey.” I smiled, careful not to scare her away. She’d been a jack rabbit in the headlights for days, I wasn’t going to force myself on her. Especially after the weirdness at lunch.

“Hey,” she replied as she pulled on some socks and then sat down next to me.

I tossed the magazine on the nightstand and set my hand between us. “You okay?”

She nodded, looking down at my hand as she took it. Her voice was so small. “I just want to hug you.”

Finally. I smiled and swung my legs across the mattress and then opened my arms to her. “C’mere.”

She sighed deeply as her arms wrapped around me and her cheek rested on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head, letting her have the time to tell me what was really going on. God I’d missed holding her.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.

I held her tighter and took a deep breath. “You only have to tell me what you want, when you want. This have anything to do with the hunt going wrong?” I asked gently, running my hands down her back to try and help her with the words that were clearly caught in her throat.

She nodded and rested her forehead on my chest, hiding her face from me as she gasped out the truth.“I...the vamp, he was going to...I think he was going to try to...to have sex with me. To force me. And I...it made me remember something I didn’t before.”

Oh god. Oh no.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t get there sooner.” How could...What the fuck, Dean! Where the fuck were you!

“I didn’t...I don’t know what to say to you. How to explain,” she whispered.

“Okay,” I nodded and took a deep breath, trying to remember not to make this worse by freaking out and jumping outta bed to go murder something. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I’m here though, sweetheart. I’m not leaving you.”

She took a deep breath and it took everything I had not to cry as she spoke. “It was twelve years ago. Some guy. We’d been drinking all night and I was flirting with him, provoking him really, and I invited him to my house, to my bed. But then I said no, I really did. Over and over. Until eventually I said yes cuz he kept trying and I just wanted it to be over.”

I didn’t know if I should cry, if I should speak, if I should get Sam out of bed so we could hunt down the mother fucker that did this to her and slice his fucking neck open.

Deep breaths. Keep listening.

“When the vamp attacked me like that, it...it reminded me of not being able to get away before. Like I just shut my mind down, cuz even though I was saying no- I’d gone to that building alone. It was like going to that bar and inviting the guy over. And…”

I just let her cry. I just held her and let her cry.

“And the vamp being there like that, it made me realize the thing twelve years ago- that was assault. That was rape. God I hate calling it that, I don’t want that word to have weight. Not in my life. It couldn’t have happened to me. I’d always just told myself since I’d been in that situation, I’d played a part in it, and since I’d said yes eventually- it was my fault. It was my responsibility.”

I tilted her chin up so she’d look at me. She needed to understand the truth. “None of that- any of that- is your fault. You did nothing wrong, either time.”

She tried to shake me off but I held her gaze. No wonder she was so upset. “Sweetheart, listen to me. You are not to blame at all. There is never a time, **ever** , for anyone to touch you unless you’re okay with it.”

“But I said yes eventually,” she muttered. Gonna kill that piece of shit for making her feel this way.

I took another deep breath. Calm yourself, Winchester. “But you said no before that. Would it be okay for a victim of a ghost or a ghoul or a witch to say no to being killed and then yes, and us not save them?”

Her weak smile made my heart beat a little bit more evenly. “That’s a terrible analogy.”

“Yeah. Shit, sorry.” I shook my head. “I’m not trying to be light about it. I just, baby, I hate that you had to carry this around for so long. I’ll kill the piece of shit like I did the vamp if you want.” Yep, just say the word. I’ll hunt the motherfucker down right now. Get my sharpest blade and make him pay.

“No, not necessary.” She shook her head. “This is all, well this is why I couldn’t have sex the other night.”

“Did you think I was going to hurt you?” Oh god no. I looked her in the eye, dead serious. “Cuz baby, you never have to think I’d ever force you. I’m so sorry if it felt like you had to.”

“No, no.” She shook her head. “When we were having sex, I had this terrible feeling like I shouldn’t have an orgasm. Like now that I’ve acknowledged everything, it’s wrong for me to. Cuz I caused that back then. That was my fault so I should be ashamed.”

I tried to put it all together for a second. She’s ashamed. Ashamed of something so natural and beautiful and fucking awesome. Because of what some sick fuck did all that time ago. And a monster triggering it all.

“So since the vamp triggered your memory, your memory is telling you that you are to blame for what happened then, so you think you shouldn’t enjoy orgasms because of that blame?”

“Well yeah, in a nutshell.” She sat up straighter, and I could see the sadness in her eyes, the rims red from crying. “I’ve never had trouble before, especially with you.” Not the time to smirk but sorry, I can’t help it. “And then it was like realizing it, thinking I was responsible, it made orgasms wrong.”

“Oh sweetheart.” I took her hands in mine. Oh god, how do I explain that coming with her is the best thing ever in the whole fucking universe. “How could something so awesome be bad? I mean, when we’re together it’s so freakin’ amazing. Orgasms aren’t bad, they aren’t sinful, they aren’t something to avoid. I mean, you’re just so amazing when I feel that way with you. I’d never not want that.”

“Thanks. It was always amazing for me.” _Was?!_ She patted my thigh as she corrected herself. “I mean, it still is. I really want to, it’s like something takes over my brain and it tells me all these horrible distractions and I lose it.”

“So you stop yourself from having an orgasm?” I clarified. This really did go deep.

“Well yeah.” She shrugged, her fingers tracing the polka dots on her fuzzy pants. “I even tried in the shower but it happened again. It’s not you at all, Dean. It’s me. I’m fucked up.”

I smiled, trying to comfort her. God, I can’t help hurting for her. “You are not fucked up. You’re processing this shit thing that happened. I just wish you knew how much I love you.”

“You do?” She smiled and looked up at me. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but sensitivity, man.

“So much.” I nodded. “You’re smart and funny, you’re such a badass but the sweetest girl. You take good care of me, sex or otherwise. You’re absolutely fucking gorgeous. And you’re just so good. Like you are a good person. You deserve good things, good feelings, good moments. All that stuff.”

“Really?” She asked hopefully as she scooted closer to me. Oh thank Christ.

“Really. Some asshole never has the right to take this from you now.” I paused, making sure she heard me. That’s what I needed her to know. Love, pleasure- _us_ \- could not be taken from her by anyone.

I sighed as she climbed into my lap, her little hands resting on my shoulders. “You’re so good to me too.”

“We can google it if you want.” I smiled as I set my hands on her waist and squeezed, finally earning a real smile. “Orgasms are good for tension, for headaches. You can sleep better and it can put you in a better mood.”

“You can feel closer to your boyfriend, and appreciate how wonderful he is, sex or not.” She leaned in and kissed my cheeks. God, she smelled so good.

“That’s a very good benefit.” I agreed, brushing my lips across hers. “It can remind you just how much you love your girlfriend and how you’d do anything to keep her safe.”

“And that you want your boyfriend to know you admire him and want to take care of him.” She added before pressing her lips to mine a little longer. Thatta girl.

“And find new ways to learn about your girlfriend’s body and soul, making sure you know her as much as you can.” I nibbled at her lower lip, loving the little whimper I got back.

“Uh huh, and love him.” She looked into my eyes, and for a second I thought she’d cry again. “Love him so much for being what you needed.”

I pulled her close to me and laid us down on the mattress before arranging the braid on her shoulder. “And love her. Because she’s amazing and beautiful and so much more than what happens to her, now and then.”

I found her again then. No interruptions, no pulling away, no shame. I was able to show her how beautiful she was, how much I cherished her, how amazing her body was, and how she was very much valued. And I think those orgasms that night, they were the best of my whole life.

My girl, it might take awhile for her to get it. But whatever happened, it was never her fault. Nope, it never was. I needed her to know some asshat didn’t get to ruin such awesomeness. No piece of the shit would ruin her future, her life.

No matter what happened, not matter what will happen in the future- She is and will always be so much more.

**Author's Note:**

> For more information about sexual assault, and how to find help locally and via the web go to https://centers.rainn.org/ 
> 
>  
> 
> Do not copy and paste my writing anywhere without my consent. This work is property of evansrogerskitten. Characters aren’t mine, but this fanfiction is. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post.


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